| Another SHOCKING entry. |
[07 Jun 2009|06:20pm] |
Only people who read this are Jake and Christina so might as well just be straight up like I'm talking to you two.
So how's it been going? Good I hope, oh, what's the reason for my posting something new in my LJ, you both probably know because I'm me and it's like 85% of my emo journal. I don't know if I'm typing right, I can't see very well through the tears.... By the way I can cry again now... which I guess is kinda good.... but it fucking sucks. You've all seen this movie, Eric falls in love, love kicks Eric in the nuts, roll credits... The negative in me wants to say you're probably tired of hearing about all this with me... but you guys arew all I really talk to about this stuff.... I don't know what to do.... Even she says I was the sweetest, nicest, and could feel great chemistry with us... but apparently it's just not good enough..... I hate actually feeling my emotions...
What do I do?
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[31 Dec 2008|04:41pm] |
With every high there comes a devistating low... We find comfort telling ourselves that the difference from neutral the high and low are are equal so we feel life is fair. It's not. The high is nothing compared to the low.
I don't know what to do anymore, I try and fight away my blocks and allow the pain to seep into my life. Always I remove myself emotionally from these situations... It's hard to even type and write out what I'm feeling as it usually helps, but fuck.... I am scarred.
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| Disarranged |
[10 Dec 2008|01:50pm] |
My insides twist
my heart speaks loudly
pounding at the white cage that holds my soul
he wants to be heard and obeyed
...
but the words in which he speaks
they belong to a strange language
the tongue so foreign to me I scarce unsderstand a word
damn it all!
why must emotions speak in such riddles
your heart never tells you true
it does not lay down the path that must be walked!
we desire the same, always
fueling my passion into a raging flame
the conflagration confounds me though
joy and happiness just a hairdbreath away
but in what direction?!
love and comfort within my arm's short reach
I am blind to it though
the great light of my passion burning out my eyes
so I will reach into the dark
over and over
ever with the hope of finding you
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[05 Dec 2008|01:53am] |
Feeling somewhat ill at ease recently.
I look back at my life and the few things I can remember... none of it means anything. I've been so lost my entire life. Like trying to find a map or guide or something to help get myself on track for once, but I don't think my problem is that I don't have a map... I've just never had a destination. Day after day I wake to nothing, and subsequently those nights I go to sleep to nothing... Everything I do to distract myself from the fact I have no idea what life is. I keep thinking that maybe if I were to be in a brand new environment with nothing and no one that knows of my and my history... I could become a new me, and hope that he has some clue; then my eyes open, looking into myself to see what's there: nothing.
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| Holidays |
[26 Nov 2008|11:29pm] |
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I hate them... Every time one of these accursed days shows up I'm reminded of all the previous ones, and I hate it.
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[10 Nov 2008|01:43am] |
Despondence:
Forever alone
Wishing for tears
I am not allowed that escape
A total vacuum of love
Destitute of all things sanguine
For it is the cruelist trick of the gods:
Leaving me always alone
Is not enough for their twisted schemes
They dance, dangle, and tease
Showing upon the horizon hope
Long enough only to cease my fall;
Mayhaps bring me some slight joy
Only to cut deeply with that I desire
The same thing that brings faith
Turned to a weapon against my soul
Day upon day
Life brings upon me torterous new emotions
Burning deeper than the core of the earth
The only respite reiceived
Cause the innevitable fall soon after to hurt
Insurmountably more
Deliverance will not come
No calm shall reach my heart's shores
Relentless malady
>>Matthias™
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| Planning |
[21 Oct 2008|02:22am] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh yes... and a lagendary epic plan shall we create..... you just wait and see.
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[09 Oct 2008|12:36am] |
Does it seem strange to you? The confetti. The balloons. The mile-wide grins and the victory dance to welcome in the heir to a state of disrepair? Because it sure seems strange to me: they're acting like they won the lottery! I mean, shouldn't they feel terror at the task that lies ahead: to feed and house the people that this system's left for dead. And could I have hit the nail much harder on the head? It's profits before lives. They are motivated by greed. First they taught us to depend on their nation-states to mend our tired minds, our broken bones, our bleeding limbs.
But now they've sold off all the splints and contracted out the tourniquets and if we jump through hoops then we might just survive. Is this what we deserve? To scrub the palace floors? To fight amongst ourselves? As we scramble for the crumbs they spit out, frothing at the mouth about the scapegoats that they've chosen for us. With every racist pointed finger I hear the goose-steps getting closer. They no longer represent us so is it not our obligation to confront this tyranny?
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| Sakuracon 2009 |
[08 Oct 2008|05:52pm] |
Lawn Gnome and I are booking hotel rooms before the end of the week. I need to know AS SOON AS YOU READ THIS if you're coming or not. Call me (360) 448-5771. We have all transportation needed as he has a van and I have a station wagon. Sakuracon is April 10-12 but we're most likely going to head up thursday the 9th so we can be settled in and ready for the convention. Per night at the places we're looking at will be from $53-$80 (remember, per night) paid either on check-in or check-out, so the money isn't needed right now.
If you have any questions about the convention or anything surrounding it, us, and/or our trip there, feel free to call me. The more the merrier.
CALL ME pls, I'd preffer that over commenting.
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[23 Sep 2008|10:32pm] |
Life is just a lie with an "f" in it.
Suddenly earlier today I just felt hollow... I feel as if I'm completely devoid of all emotions but sorrow right now. Kind of the definition of depression though, so nothing new...
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| Yes |
[19 Sep 2008|06:07am] |
Totally not thinking of cosplaying him :p
Atobe is his name (Atobe Keigo)
Hyotei is his school (Hyotei Gakuen)
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| Indeed |
[19 Jul 2008|10:31pm] |
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Toggle off...
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[30 Jun 2008|06:15am] |
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Once more unto the breach.
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| Alienated |
[01 Jun 2008|10:34pm] |
It seems that most of my friends, particularly my close ones are taking a joke of the thing I've always held as very important but have just recently revealed it and started acting on it... I never really thought that I would be judged so harshly by those so close to me, this solidifying my desires to get out of this area even more...
Is there something wrong with going after something I love so much?! I mean, it may seem superfluous to alot of other people, but I can't help how much I care about it... I'm even somewhat afraid to say what it is here to find the harsh look of judgement from more eyes. I don't care anymore, even if it's something that you think is stupid and laugh at me like everyone else has... I want to be pretty, I mean you read this and may be like 'ok whatever Eric, of course' like most people did at first, but the more and more I'm surrounding myself with these new clothing styles I've found and getting mroe into it, seeing what I could do, the more they laugh at me... It hurts so fucking much to have the thing I care about most be so devalued in the eys of others and mocked so harshly, I really just want to cry.
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[29 May 2008|09:54am] |
I'm starting to get into better shape to tighten up the figure and get rid of that bit of fat I got left. Eating alot better now, lots of pasta and the like and avoiding the junk as I'm getting more physical and excercising. All of this going towards my one goal: to finally be pretty.
I've been talking to people, well women (who are we kiddin?) about types of makeup to wear and where to go to get it, also I've found a few places online with clossy goth style stuff and I'll probably get some and later make some of my own finding what I like about them and all that jazz, and invinting my own style of clothing as I haven't found it anywhere. I suppose it would be kind of similar to Ouji (or kodona to some westerners :p) but a bit less flashy I think, and a little more well defined.
So all in all I'm well on my way to becoming a pretty, feminine boy ^_^
http://members.aol.com/retroscope/mens.html (like everything below the silk dandy shirts)
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| Calisthetics |
[26 May 2008|01:24pm] |
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My whole body hurts... I am so out of shape, and I'm going to fix it.
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| Entry. |
[20 May 2008|10:06am] |
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I've been doing some Eric searchign stuff recently, and I guess my decisions are the kind of things a normal person puts in a journal to tell people about, not just whining about girl problems and the jazz. By this time next year I do beleive I will have my AA after fucking around so much. I have decided to change career paths and how I'm getting there, if everything goes according to plan, beginning of the school year after I get my AA I will transfer to a school either in Canada (BC specifically, also second choice) or the U.K. which is my main choice. I am now looking at becoming an english teacher, perhaps even teaching english in a country which it is not the native language. So, if all goes according to plan... I don't know if after this next school year I'll be in the area again, ever... and to be honest I would much preffer it that way.
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| Soul searching |
[13 May 2008|07:24pm] |
Some things have caused me to turn and look upon inside myself, I'm realizing more and more that I'm nto a real person... I'm just a selected amount of attitudes and such that I observe and emulate as to seem like I'm a real person, particularly with anime char's that I like I guess, if there's even enough of a real me to like something.. : /
I'm pretty sure it makes me sad looking into myself and seeing that there's absolutely nothing there, I've tried to fill this so much with things I think that perople satisfied with their lives or something along that line have; particular morals keeping me from doing random "pleasurable" things: drinking, smoking, meaningless sex... Though I still hold desperately onto the last of these, thinking that somehow not partaking in it makes me a good natured person or some meaningless shit like that, btu I don't know... There's nothing I've seen from myself and people who've held the same ideals for much longer than I... I don't see anything good or enlightening or anything like that about forgoing such things. This isn't really the point, but an example at me looking at the pointless things that I'm trying to use to justify to myself that I am a real person just like everyone else but I just feel like a husk randomly changing masks from person to person, situation to situation.
... who am I?
No one.
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| So... |
[02 May 2008|02:42am] |
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I guess I'm single again, where is that toggle switch Christina gave me? *looks about* ah well /shrug.
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